Father Of Twelve Children Withdraws From World First 60 Race

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Classic WoW leveling has no place for fairy tales.

Douglas Gordon, 48, announced to his long-suffering wife and twelve children that he would be withdrawing from the ‘World First Race to 60‘. Method (the top-tier guild covering the sadistic race individuals are undertaking) has been informed and is “devastated” to hear the news of another underdog getting buried.

Our hero started off strong – even obtaining a server first six-slot bag – but life caught up to him.

“I’m just not used to pulling out of things” he said in a statement.


A software engineer by trade, Douglas spent half a day preparing for his showdown with the NPCs of Azeroth. His life-knowledge was critical in getting a leg up early on. He took two weeks off work and created his own LAN network with ethernet and CAT6 cables.

It’s not confirmed but this speed may have caused a glitch and let him enter the “Female Age 65+ Layer”. He had an empty world of mobs and lag-free game, but most importantly no kids to waste his time.

He was even quicker than Joana to level 5 and somehow survived the terrible tragedy on August 26th, aptly named the “Scouring”, or as everyone calls it the “Blizzard Kicked Everyone Off Every Server Because They Hate Me Specifically” in-game event.

“This just goes to show how players should have been building their net-worth and infrastructure for the last 15 years in order to prepare. Less is more, you know?”, he was heard saying on a stream while also instructing his quintuplets what a ‘devilsaur mafia’ was how they can help daddy.

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Also a TLC show for kids premiering in 2020

The end came when Douglas had a nostalgic flashback – and not a good one.

“All of a sudden I remembered how much coke I did while leveling in Vanilla WoW 15 years ago. I guess I did so much, I had forgotten how much I consumed while playing 18-hours a day,” he said sadly. “there was just no way I could risk that now. Last week four of my kids formed a human ladder to get at my stash of weed – it was pretty funny seeing them then try and find eyedrops – but could you imagine if they found the cocaine? You ever try to get a coked-out kid to bed by 8pm?.”

Feeling tired, he logged off and made the announcement.

When asked about what he was going to do with the rest of the vacation, he stated he would be turning the internet off in order to spend more time with his wife.


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